A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
