The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
