Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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