You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize