i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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