The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hippo gnu deer
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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