im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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