Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
