he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
