He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
