Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
