I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am spending my child support on dildos
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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