in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
