People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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