I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize