Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
