This is not my ceiling
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
