Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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