fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
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