I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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