I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
