i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
