my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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