i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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