I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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