You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
