At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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