hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
