i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
