True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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