and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
