brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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