how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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