My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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