I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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