I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
