Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
