and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
