So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Someone shit on the floor
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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