Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize