he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
