Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
