y did u give ur computer a hand job?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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