I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
