I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
