Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
