shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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