I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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