Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
