Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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