I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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