good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
