dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You ate ashes out of my bong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
