I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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