Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
