Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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