Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
