Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
