I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
