i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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