just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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