this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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